Demons in the Night
All of us humans have what we call, “Personal” Demons. What exactly is a personal demon? For me, a personal demon is mental; something that we create ourselves. Unwanted thoughts, worries, and fears that prey on us at night. The one I want to discuss specifically, is Depression.
Depression is one beast from hell. I have no other words to describe it, other than the deepest, darkest depth of hell. I ask myself, why do I enjoy the pain? I can never answer this myself. If you asked me to describe the pain, I would say to you, the pain is numbing; numbing to the point of feeling disconnected from your body. For me, I almost feel as if I am not here on earth. I am floating in space, a black hole or a deep void. While this is comforting, this is also the worst type of emotional pain. Crying for no reason, screaming, lashing out, isolating. Depression feels hopeless, like no matterwhat you do, how hard you try, you will never escape. Sometimes, I do wish I was dead. I do ask myself if I died, would I be okay? Depression has one goal: isolate, push you away from everyone who loves you and cares about you. This is a tactic “the demon” uses to get you alone and beat you down. When you feel you can no longer fight, you lose. Does anyone ever really win with depression though?
I have fought depression long and hard. Some of these stories and songs (or poems) I have written will be hard to read. This blog will also have some of my personal journal entries in them, so you can see what I really go through on a daily basis. This blog does contain self harm, suicide, mention of eating disorders and things I have done to cope with this. Please, if you are not mentally in a good place to read these stories, do not open them. Not all of them will be appealing and some might even be triggering. I know how when I am stuck in a depressive era, I LOVE to go and read depressing stuff and listen to depressing songs, because it feels like home. If this is you, please make sure you are okay before continuing. Reach out for help if you need to.
